Report: Almanzo Wilder Wants to Remind Everyone He Has Punched Children Twice

Walnut Grove, Minn.– In light of the sensationalism surrounding the Oscars altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock, Almanzo Wilder would like to remind everyone that he has punched a child not only once, but twice.

“Well, sure, it’s not something I usually brag about, but I can’t believe people brush it under the rug so easily, either,” Almanzo tells The Prairie Review. “So a grown man punched a grown man. Charles Ingalls does that all the time. It’s not everyday a grown man punches children and gets away with it, though.”

Almanzo attributes his ability to punch children without consequences to his sparkling personality and smooth hair.

“Well, that first time I did it, sure, I thought it was justified,” Almanzo relates. “Bart Slater was a huge kid, almost as big as me. Albert was just a little runt. I had kind of felt like punching something that day, so it worked out well that this opportunity arose  and gave me the excuse. It wasn’t just a punch out of nowhere–the kid had it coming.”

Although Bart Slater’s father reprimanded Almanzo for punching his son, Almanzo discounted it due to Bart’s size.

Months would pass before Almanzo’s next child punching episode, but Almanzo admits that it gave him a rush. “As soon as I punched Bart Slater, I was just itchin’ for another opportunity to punch a child. Lucky for me, it just worked out that I was pickin’ Beth up from her teachin’ gig and well, I couldn’t just let that kid touch her ribs like that. No one should touch someone’s ribs and get away with it, child or not.”

Although Almanzo’s child punching ways moved to the backburner after his marriage, he still fondly remembers those days and would like everyone else to remember them too. “Once I got married, I was pretty occupied with handling Beth. I mean, brawling in the streets with Brenda Sue and all…I was worryin’ about that, working at the feed and seed, providing for my family. I’ve been busy with Rose and then we of course adopted Jenny, but when I heard everyone talking about this one punch, I had to step in and say something.”

The Prairie Review reached out to Bart Slater to get his side of the story. When asked for his thoughts on the time Almanzo Wilder punched him, Bart asked “Almanzo who?”